Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

Insane Things You Do When You Have a Crush


It’s summer which means that it’s that magical time of the year when a Winter 5 can become a solid Summer 7 by getting a tan, wearing little clothing and being constantly surrounded by people clouded with beer goggles.

Real Life Superpowers That Are Actually Useful


With about 50 movies featuring hot people in intricate suits saving the world with powers like superhuman strength, mind control and just really good martial arts, the whole superhero genre can be exhausting and unrelatable. Sure, it's awesome that Spider-man can spin webs but the ability to tell the future so I know if this Tinder date will be a complete bust? That is a power I can get behind. So, here are the superpowers that I would actually like to have IRL.


No Weight Gain

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I would trade any useless power like super human strength (cool party trick, bro) or invisibility (shady, much?) to be able to consume half a pizza, a pint of beer and a Baskin-Robbins clown cone and not gain a single pound. Actually I would prefer to get hotter and fitter with each bite. 


Ability to Tell The Future So I Can Plan My Social Life Accordingly
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I couldn’t care less about when I’ll die or whatever else people think they want to know about their futures. I would like to know if this dude from the bar will actually text me back or if this party is going to be fun. Most nights I just want to chill at home with no pants on so the ability to know if leaving is worth it would really take my life up a notch.

No Hangover

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I would gladly welcome a nuclear disaster, genetic mutation, spider bite or whatever it takes to be able to go hard on a weekend and not have a single trace of a hangover the next day.

Time Freezing To Fit in More TV


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There are so many shows that need to be binged and just so little time – it’s a real struggle. Imagine a world where you can stop time so you can finally finish all of Breaking Bad, The Wire and catch up on Game of Thrones. My brain is turning to beautiful, idiotic mush just thinking about it. 


Productivity


Someone who can actually get stuff done is a real hero in my books. Can you imagine having the power to actually work for 8 hours a day, have a clean living space, run errands, pay bills AND exercise? No person like this would ever exist but I would gladly accept it as fantasy.

Accurate Gaydar

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As someone who has had many crushes on clearly gay men, the ability to actually tell when someone is just not into me (and my gender) would really help in the dating department and save me from so much heartbreak. 

Ability to Pretend Like I Care

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As a mere mortal, I cannot actually hide the fact that I hate everyone and everything. A true superhero would be able to really fake it til they make it by being able to smile and say nice to things to awful people. That superhero would also be an angel.

Teleportation


As entertaining as public transportation is, think of all of the money and near death experiences that can be saved by just appearing everywhere. I'd be able to sleep in longer before work and don't have to do the Sunday morning ritual of seeing how many Uber rides I drunkenly took the night before.

Charisma

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A truly fantastic superhero origin story would be about a painfully awkward woman who can barely hold a normal conversation with a stranger without completely weirding people out. She is kidnapped and genetically altered to be charming, witty and appropriate. That would be a real dream and honestly what I hope would happen to me everyday.


Anti-Aging with Anti-Responsibilities

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Not so much a superpower as much as something that tends to come with the territory, not aging would be great especially if it came with age appropriate responsibilities. Sure, I've been alive for 60 years but physically I'm a 21 year old so excuse me while I binge drink and pretend not to know what taxes are.

Basic Life Skills

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Actually if I'm going to be honest, I would love to be a superhero that is just a functioning human being who knows how to do stuff like cook, read the newspaper and make my own dentist appointments. My superhero suit would not have a cape or leather, it would instead be tailored, work appropriate and from somewhere other than Forever 21.

Beyonce

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She is some type of super human right? Yeah I'd like to just be her. End of story. Let's start making this movie, Marvel.

How To Get Ahead At Work In 10 Simple Steps



Getting ahead in the workplace can be challenging. You may think that putting in extra hours and taking initiative are the way to go but that's not true. Hard work will get you part of the way but the rest can easily be achieve by adopting these 10 extremely effective workplace tactics.

1. Constantly Talk About How Busy You Are

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It doesn’t matter what your workload actually is, talking about how busy you are is always a winning conversation topic in the workplace. People just love to talk about stress and work and having no time for anything so you should too! Be sure to keep the busy talk vague without ever actually providing details on what is making you busy so you seem mysterious.

2. Speak At Every Meeting

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People really respect those who are constantly offering their input whether it's solicited or not. If you are struggling for something to say, try asking an obvious question or letting the group know that you agree with what was just said. 

3. Make Every Task Seem More Important Than It Is


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Sure you are doing a task that a middle school student could do but if you really make a huge deal about it, you will floor your bosses with how you are actually doing your job which will make you irreplaceable. To master this, be sure to take the simplest task and ask a minimum of 7 questions about it, take a full day to do it and then let everyone know how challenging it was. 

4. Bring Your Laptop and/or Phone Everywhere

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People need to really know that you are so important and such a hard worker that you just cannot unplug so have your eyes on screens at all times. Happy Retirement, Betsy! Excuse me while I furiously check email in the corner during your farewell speech.

5. Fill Your Calendar with Meetings


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While at work, you want people to always think that you are in demand. You can easily achieve this by scheduling meetings for everything even things that could easily be solved with an email. You'll have a full schedule and your co-workers will love all of the meetings that you booked for them.

6. Wear a Blazer

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Blazers = Professional, that is a known fact. Invest in a blazer and wear it every day, with everything – even jeans and a t-shirt. A famous study, from a famous research institution found that when a man and a woman said the same stupid thing, people agreed with the man which probably was because he was wearing a blazer.

7. Rush Everywhere But Never Be On Time

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Casually strolling around the office at a normal pace shows that you are a garbage employee. Speed walking around, however, shows that you have a purpose. Of course, it is not enough to rush around, you must still show up everywhere late. Being the last person at a meeting claiming that another meeting ran over let’s people know that that other meeting was way too important to leave early. As a result, people in this meeting will work very hard to impress you and win your approval. It’s a classic work neg.

8. Strategically Send Emails

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The true way that you will shine at work is via email so you must play the game correctly. This means, taking a long time to answer important emails that require your input (because once again- you are WAY too important and busy to respond) but then respond immediately to emails that don’t require responses. For example, if you get an email asking if you have time to complete a task, take 2-3 hours to respond so people assume you don't have time and find someone else. But if you are copied on an email with 10 other people as an FYI, reply all immediately with something pointless like "Thx!" People love seeing that extra email in their inbox. 

9. Give 8 Pieces of Feedback a Day

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Similar to constantly speaking at meetings, providing unsolicited feedback on the regular is impressive. To do so, it's best to set a daily goal for yourself and not leave the office until you achieve it. Offer input on things that nobody asked you to do. Make useless edits to documents. Just start giving unneeded feedback and suggestions to shine. 


10. Use Meaningless Buzzwords in Everything You Do


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Professional buzzwords will get you everywhere. People will respect you when they hear that you are well versed in the jargon of a future CEO. Some example terms and phrases that you can start incorporating into daily conversations right now:

Synergy
Circle back
Regroup
Wrap my head around this
Innovation
Think outside of the box
Let's a tell a story with these numbers
Let me take time to digest this
Touch base
10,000 Foot view

Enjoy your promotion!

Struggles of Your Twenties As Told By Broad City


Let's face it - life in your twenties is not as glamorous and carefree as the movies. You aren't living in a trendy loft paid for by your super hip job at a women's magazine spending your weekends at the hottest brunch spots and nightclubs flawlessly chatting up the most eligible bachelors while living life to the fullest in expensive leopard print Prada heels. Oh no no, your twenties are for minimal paychecks, hopeless dating and constant life freakouts. It's a complete struggle but it's what ties us all together. So here are some struggles that we've all experienced at some point as told by our favorite ladies of Broad City.  


No Longer Being Able to Drink with No Hangover

How did I ever take handles to the face on a Friday night and still have no issues hitting the library the next day in college? Now a few drinks means a day long hangover. 

Adjusting To Life With A Real Job


So as cool as this whole work thing has been, can we all just acknowledge how impossible it is to be alert for 8 hours a day? K cool thx, I'm gonna go back to my Buzzfeed articles between meetings now.

Not Understanding Today's Pop Culture



Is One Direction still a thing? Is "bae" an adjective or noun? Can someone please explain Vine?! Things just felt easier when Jennifer Lopez went by J.Lo and wore velour tracksuits.

Trying to Care About Your Diet - To An Extent


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With real money and a slowed metabolism, you might think that now is the time to start actually caring about what you eat (at least while you are sober.) So you'll create a Pinterest board of healthy meals and start shopping at places like Whole Foods where you'll spend a bunch of money on anything organic, free-range and local only to come home and realize that you are really craving pizza rolls. 


Feeling Momentarily Rich With Your First Salary

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Now that you are probably making more money than you ever have before, you'll feel like an absolute queen and start spending it on useless stuff. Of course that feeling is short lived and you'll end up rethinking it all when the first of the month rolls around. Bye, Paycheck! 



Navigating "Business Casual"

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Getting dressed for work every day can be a constant struggle when your closet is filled with crop tops, flannels and ironic t-shirts. For those fashionistas who aren't quite ready to completely give up style for neutral tones and slacks, everyday without an HR complaint can be a #win. 

Demanding to be treated like a responsible adult...


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You pay bills, have your own place and get a paycheck. You are an adult and demand to be treated like one. Hear that Mom and Dad?!

But still feeling clueless and irresponsible like a child.

 

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What are taxes even? Am I supposed to call to make my own dentist appointment? What is the difference between HMO and PPO?! Where are my Mom and Dad to do this for me?

Wanting a Pet Without Being Able to Care for Yourself



Sure, you spend most weekends passed out on various people's couches and just ate peanut butter for dinner because groceries are low but you really feel like a dog will bring your life happiness to the next level.

Finding Value In A Night In


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As cool as bars and clubs are, there comes a time when a night on the couch in sweats, binging Netflix shows over takeout is the way to go. No judgement or FOMO here.

Attempting to Make Friends IRL


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In college, friends are practically handed to you. However, IRL it's not so simple. You'll find yourself having to resort to seeking friendship in creative places - work, exercise classes, coffee shops, Chipotle, on the train etc. Sure you might end up coming off like a complete weirdo engaging strangers but when you actually befriend that cool chick on the bus, it's worth it. 

Hopelessly Attempting to Figure Out Dating



Whether you are using apps, online profiles or trying to meet someone organically, dating is awkward. You'll cringe at your lack of charisma when failing to be a "chill, cool girl." Drive yourself crazy interpreting text messages. And sit through date after date of painful small talk wishing you were home chatting with your cat about the latest episode of the Bachelor. 

Dodging Marriage/Children/Serious Life Questions

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As if you aren't already questioning when you'll be ready for whatever next serious step is on the horizon, there is nothing like having to explain to your family and other nosy people why you aren't there yet. There's only so many times you can say that "you just haven't found the One" before you just end up creating an imaginary boyfriend who can't come to Thanksgiving because he was shipped off to war and hope that everyone forgets about it next year. 

Unintentionally Spending Hours In Front of Screens


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As much as you want to live a YOLO lifestyle, once you get onto your laptop you'll find yourself down for hours. We've all been there. It starts off innocently - just reading up on current events before heading out for the day. Flash forward two hours to you taking a Buzzfeed quiz on what kind of cheese is your perfect match and totally questioning your life choices.

Adjusting to Affordable Living Situations


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Finding a place to live on a junior level staff salary usually requires you to shack up with multiple people or live in a 200 square foot studio. One day you won't have to leave passive aggressive notes around the kitchen telling your roommate to wash the dishes and will actually have a separate bedroom and living room - dream big.


Trying to Prove Yourself at Work


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Let's face it, no one likes being treated like the lowest man on the totem pole so when you finally get the chance to show that you are worthy, you'll try really hard to prove yourself. Sometimes it'll all work out, others you'll crash and burn. All life lessons.
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Having a Quarter Life Crisis Every Other Month

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No matter how happy you are or how much you feel like you got it together, there will always be those periodic moments when you completely freak out about something. It can be about your life choices or whether you are surrounded by the right people or the mysteries of hypothetical situations that may never even happen.

Waiting For Your Big Break

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Even if you are currently stuck in a job you hate or hitting the books to get that advanced degree, you can still achieve your dream job - it's not too late. So keep chugging along and ignore the fact that Taylor Swift is 26 and practically rules the world. 

Cheers To The Struggle!

Catch Broad City Wednesdays at 10/9c on Comedy Central

What Your Go-To Lunch Spot Says About Your Taste in Men


Dating in the city sucks. From awkward Tinder dates to late night bar princes that turn into toads as soon as the beer goggles fade, trying to navigate what you want in a guy can be a  mystery. Lunch however, is more straightforward. You know what you like and don't have to worry about it letting you down. It's there for you Monday through Friday to offer you some bliss amidst the humdrum of your daily routine. So even though dating may not be so predictable, what your go-to lunch spot is may actually offer you some insight in what kind of guy you should actually set your sights on or at least give you something to think about while you wait for the clock to strike noon so you can go grab a meal to lust after alone in your cube. 

How Not To Be The Worst Person At The Gym

Though I don't consider myself a gym rat, after all I would gladly skip a run for literally any alternate activity, I pay Lakeview Athletic Club a monthly fee to be a "member" so therefore I know a thing or two about gyms. From fitness classes to solo workouts, I've quickly developed pet peeves about gym etiquette. So before you head out to your workout, read up on these basic rules to ensure that you aren't the worst person at the gym. 

Childhood Movies Revisited: Life Size

Gorgeous Tyra Banks, angsty Gingsay Lohan, montages to B*witched and a musical number to "Be a Star" - 16 years later, Disney's Life Size still delivers everything that children and adults could ever dream of in a movie that enforces that hot people get everything. 

Thoughts You've Had While Drunk





Let's be honest, drunk you is not you. She tends to be bold, careless and sometimes a hot mess. While sober you uses common sense, drunk you has a mind of her own that tends be full of regret the next day. So here are some of the thoughts that you will have as soon as that buzz sets in written by an author who has already had three drinks tonight....

*Note: post is unedited to preserve the drunk thoughts of the author.
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