Disney,
Gorgeous Tyra Banks, angsty Gingsay Lohan, montages to B*witched and a musical number to "Be a Star" - 16 years later, Disney's Life Size still delivers everything that children and adults could ever dream of in a movie that enforces that hot people get everything.
The next day Gingsay puts on her travel bucket hat to go to a sketchy bookstore to learn how to bring back spirits. On her way she sees a group of her former friends who are all like “Girl why don’t you ever want to hang with us anymore? Also WTF are you wearing?” Fisherman Lohan shrugs it off and finds out that the book she needs is $150 but she only has $63 in singles. The stripping business is not what it used to be. So, she shoplifts the book and we can only assume chugs a handle of vodka on the street corner and drives home. Classic Tuesday.
Childhood Movies Revisited: Life Size
 |
| Source |
 |
| Source |
Honest Plot Summary
The movie opens introducing Eve - a doll who says annoying stuff like “you’re my special friend.” Though once popular, sales of Eve are declining because kids are really into things with “microchips.” Lolz welcome to the year 2000.
Enter Casey played by Lindsay Lohan when she was a ginger and more than just a mug shot. She is tough, plays on the football team and is raised by her widowed lawyer dad with a gross goatee who never shows up to her games. The father/daughter relationship is pretty rocky and Gingsay Lohan just wants her cool, dead mom back so she gets on her dial-up internet and sneakily googles resurrection to solve everyone’s problems.
Goatee: Looks like we are both working late. What are you doing?
Gingsay: Watching porn, Dad. GTFO!
Cut to Gingsay’s birthday which turns into a weird “mom’s never coming back” conversation (Cool, Dad!) and only gets weirder when a blonde lawyer tryna get with Goatee just shows up at the door with a file and an Eve doll as a gift. Everyone knows that the doll’s sales are declining, find this at the Dollar Store you, cheapskate?
Like any normal pre-teen, Gingsay just can’t with this and goes straight to do witchcraft in her room. But of course Blonde Basic Lawyer comes in (stop trying to play mom, girl) and knocks stuff over, brushes Eve’s hair with the voodoo brush and just leaves obviously setting this plot into motion.
Gingsay wakes up the next morning to Tyra Banks in her bed which honestly coulda woken up to much worst. After Lohan is all “What happened last night?” She realizes Banks is actually the Eve doll alive! What?! So after Eve is all “I’m alive and flawless.” Which classic Tyra – remember when she freaked out after wearing a fat suit for a few hours and was like “being fat was the worst thing ever!!” Gingsay puts her travel bucket hat back on and heads to the bookstore to get Volume 2 of the witchcraft book to reverse the spell because apparently each volume has one spell and a hundred blank pages. But the store doesn’t carry that volume obviously because it’s shockingly not a best-seller like Twilight. So Gingsay is forced to run away because she went back to the place she shoplifted and falls over her baggy jeans in the middle of the street. Good thing Eve is there to do this:
Goatee happens to see the whole thing.
Hot Eve: Are all the men here as handsome as you are you?
Goatee: Nah I’m actually not that attractive.
Hot Eve: Agreed. I’m just homeless and need money.
So he offers this stranger a loan, a place to stay and a secretary job in his office but can’t commit to one of his daughter’s football game – Dad of the year right there.
OMG silly clothes montage to Cest La Vie by B*witched. Thank God.
Gingsay: Dad, Eve is really a doll.
Goatee: I’m going through a dry spell. Don’t ruin this for me.
Hot Eve starts her first day at work and within 5 minutes is hit on by the Office Perv. But then Eve also gives Goatee a massage in the office so I’m not sure what kind of place of business this is. Luckily we get a “Eve sucks at work” montage to Rollercoaster by B*witched to distract us from the HR violations.
Of course Eve gets fired but not before giving the clearly beautiful secretary made to look frumpy a 5 minute makeover that consists of full makeup, whitened teeth and a blowout. Remember – it’s what’s on the outside that always counts!
Hot Eve gets ready to go to a cool lawyer party (seriously the most eventful 2 days ever) which Gingsay is not stoked about. “Seriously, Ging don’t kill my vibes.”
Sidenote: Eve is clearly a weirdo and yet all the men in this movie are like “LOLZ Eve is so hot who cares that she is an idiot and wears ball gloves.”
At the party, Eve rejects Office Perv after he invites her back to his place within what feel like 10 minutes of being at the party.
Hot Eve: Oh girls like me don't get with guys like you but that gross secretary got a makeover and probs has lower standards. Peace, going to empty the cheese plate!
Around 49 mins into the movie, we get the Tyra singing the Shine Bright song scene. The women are all confused, the men are all bopping their heads cause again – hot people can do what they want.
Afterwards, Goatee is all “Let me walk you home” cause that walk from his house to the backyard pool house is pretty dangerous! Gingsay Lohan ugly cries when she sees her dad almost kiss Hot Eve which honestly is some of the best acting she’s done since her British accent in Parent Trap.
Robot Banks is all like “What are tears?” which for some reason wins over the angry pre-teen.
Gingsay: I love her. She’s like a martian!
Meanwhile in lawyer-land:
Blonde Lawyer: Idk about Eve. Maybe I'm jealous but be careful.
Goatee: It’s nice to know your jealous. I really like stringing you along.
BFFs Gingsay and Eve then have a cool slumber party where the pre-teen gives the doll business advice on how to get girls into dolls again.
Gingsay: You are too perfect, people can’t relate. Eve should be chubby and an alcoholic.
On the day of the big game, Goatee goes to work; Hot Eve is still brushing her wet hair from last night; and Gingsay is super stoked that the spell will be permanent at sunset and she can have a cool hot mom forever. Dad finally comes to a game but the Wildcats end up losing (probs wouldn’t have happened if ZEfron was playing). Everyone is like SUPER sad and showing an odd amount of PDA for a kid’s football game. Eve cries real human tears and is like “WTF is this? I need to GTFO."
She then goes for a walk on the town with a bob haircut and we know things are about to go down because she has her tiny backpack and Keds on. The woman in the toystore window is like “Holy cow, that woman looks just like this doll.” Which I get that there is a total of 3 people of color in this town, but Tyra doesn't look that much like the doll so cool it.
Hot Eve goes to the Eve headquarters to reverse the spell. Casey thinks she makes it in time to save Eve but LOL JK girl already did the very simple 5 word reverse spell so just waiting for the sun to go down.
Goatee: Wait you WERE a doll? Dammit, 3rd doll I’ve had intimate feelings for this year.
Cut to everyone telling their true feelings for each other and crying their good-byes.
Um not to be weird but the sun doesn’t go down for another 2 hours….so like this is kinda awk.
Hot Eve turns back into a doll and now people are super stoked for the new Eve doll because it has a bob. Also are we to believe that the doll is like the CEO of this company and brought back all she learned from her semester abroad as a human to revamp the business model? Maybe American Girl Doll Molly should white-board some ideas to save the American retail business?
Gingsay Lohan also changes as she no longer wears a bucket hot and ditches her dad for her friends.
Ging: Now that you are giving me the attention I’ve been starving for, I’m just not into it. Deuces.
Movie ends with a dance number – as it should.
Movie themes:
· Hot people get everything
· It’s what’s on the outside that counts
· New haircuts fix failing businesses
· Lawyers are bad dads
· Girls can play football
Does It Hold Up to Childhood Memories?
100% yes. Adult me still loved this movie.
Where To Watch: Youtube
This is Baer not Emma – too lazy / in a hurry to watch Netflix in bed to bother figuring out how to change the user. Anyway. BRO, you should do Good Burger. That movie's the gold standard of '90 kid's comedies.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback, Baer! I will for sure consider Good Burger for the next installment. Also I enjoyed the update on what was going on that lead to this comment.
Delete