Entertainment,
Think back to the days when frosted tips were hot, Lance Bass was thought to be straight and people would watch anything if there were members of boy bands in it (even if they were only the background guys). Welcome to the year 2001 and welcome to the movie On The Line - that movie that didn't star Justin Timberlake and nobody saw except a few sexually repressed pre-teens who wrote about it in their diaries later (true story...).
If you have an hour and a half of your life to waste - don't watch this. But if you have time to waste AND hate yourself a little bit - check out this early 2000's throwback that was not a Disney Channel Original Movie but in fact a real movie with a director and budget and script....
On The Line opens to Lance Bass, Joey Fatone and a few other white guys performing "Two Princes" by Spin Doctors at some type of Class of 1994 dance. We aren't clear if this is high school or undergrad or a PhD program because literally every single person looks 40 years old. Lance is the lead singer who wants to woo a girl in the crowd - which is how we know this is a work of fiction. He chokes and gets comically sweaty at the thought of dedicating a song to this girl which is the first moment that you think "Why the hell am I watching this?"
We move to present day with Lance and Joey on the el train discussing this flashback memory that we just had to watched.
Old Joey: Lolz you are SO bad with girls, bro! Why IS that?
Lance: Ummmmm yeah about that.....you'll find out around the year 2006.
There is a little kid eating McDonald's fries listening to their pathetic conversation and tells them to watch and learn as he hits on a random older woman. We are all confused and also craving McDonald's fries.
Lance, sporting a very fashionable brown pleather woman's coat, enters his office where he is in advertisement - the male RomCom equivalent of working at a women's magazine. We soon learn that he is not very good at advertisement - he recommends a commercial for Reebok where literal chicks are wearing shoes (which I would like to see).
Luckily, we are back on the el (aka ON THE LINE) where Bass is singing out loud to Al Green from his walkman. Though IRL he would be a crazy person that people steer clear of, in this universe he attracts the attention of a generic hot brunette who we may have seen in other movies but we are all unsure.
Brunette: Hey you love Al Green? I LOVE Al Green. Also move your fucking bag. Did it pay for a seat?!
These two bad actors start to talk and we learn that they have SO MUCH in common - mainly a shared love for the Cubs. As viewers, our jaws are dropped to the freaking floor because TWO Cubs fans in Chicago is unheard of and we know that we are watching soulmates. The two get off at Adams and Wabash which I'm stoked because that's where I work and I had no idea I was by a famous landmark this whole time.
Before they part, we learn that Generic Brunette loves to make paper airplanes and that their soulmate level sky rockets when they both name all of the presidents in order.
Brunette: We must be the only two people who can do that!
Bass: Yeah, sure. DTF?
Their flirting is drawn out making it painfully awkward most likely because Lance is battling with his sexuality and Brunette is battling with trying to remember lines.
Luckily, we get to see Lance and his bros in what looks like a TGI Friday's. Joey Fatone is still in a coverband rocking disgusting highlights. There are two more characters who we instantly know their personalities based on their over the top costumes and actions - one is the smart and logical guy of the group made evident by his khakis and button down and the fact that he is literally reading the newspaper at the bar with his friends right there. The other is just a tool dressed like a character in Malibu's Most Wanted. Lance mentions the girl on the train (not the book, though if he talked about Girl on the Train, we may be way more interested). Everyone makes fun of him again for not being able to seal the deal with ladies.
We soon learn that Generic Brunette was just visiting her boyfriend in Chicago but is moving there in a week or so. She mentions that she found an apartment in Lakeview within walking distance from Wrigley and I soon question if I am Generic Brunette.
Brunette: I think I met my soulmate on the train. He knows what a president is and has the same Wilson's Leather coat as me!
Back in the office, Lance and his co-worker from the movie Booty Call are pitching a shitty idea to Reebok. We find out that she ends up stealing his idea and pitching it as her own which despite it essentially being the tagline for a tampon commercial, people LOVE. Lance is all like "Dammit, I can't say anything because everyone will think I'm sexist and/or racist so I'll just let this happen." Luckily, the actual song "On the Line" performed by members of NSYNC, Mandy Moore and BBMak (seriously EVERYONE watch this music video) starts to play and we see L.B. really decide to take charge and take back his life. Does he confront his co-worker? Does he make it known that that Reebok idea was his and he deserves the credit? No, no. Instead he uses his office supplies to make creepy "Lost Dog" style signs to put up around the city searching for the girl on the train.
The newspaper wants to do a story on him because there were no other more interesting stories for them to cover in the fall of 2001. A real twist in the plot is that the journalist assigned to the story graduated from high school with Lance and absolutely hates him because the then nerdy journalist wanted to ask some chick to prom and instead she asked Lance who accepted. We are all super excited that this subplot has joined this movie because we weren't 100% bored just yet.
Generic Brunette moves to Chicago. She has lunch with her douchebag BF who is in "business" and "gets excited" by his flip phone. He calls her interest in archaeology a hobby which is confusing.
Brunette: I want to get a job at the Field Museum.
Business Bro: Aw that is cute but maybe waitress at the Tilted Kilt is more up your alley, babe.
Lance's friends convince him to go through with the newspaper interview as a way to NOT seem so pathetic which I agree because nothing about putting up signs for a girl you met for 2 minutes is desperate or pathetic. Chi-town ladies are obsessed with him and for some reason an employee publicly stalking a woman gets L.B. ahead at work as well. As one could only hope, there is a terrible date montage to an NSYNC song.
The bros have all decided that they would like to get in on the lady action and ask if they can go on the dates for Lance. He says no because he is not a dick but then by some stupid mix-up that I don't even want to explain because it's that dumb, the guys think he said yes and they go on the dates with these women. Al Green makes a cameo in this movie. It really has no purpose other than to show that this movie can get Al Green AND two background members of NSYNC.
"Yeah so I was on the Red Line at Addison, got on it southbound towards the Loop. Got off at Monroe. Maybe later I'll get some deep dish before going back to my apartment in Lincoln Park. Aren't these details interesting to everyone and to this plot?" - Every conversation in this movie
Generic Brunette reads about Lance in the paper because this SAME article is still running. She calls in and gets a date but of course because his friends are dicks, she meets with Malibu's Most Wanted and is all like "WTF?! You aren't him! You are straight!"
High School enemy journalist sends his girlfriend on one of these dates to dig up dirt and he writes a new article exposing Bass for being a creep using the article to get his friends laid. We also find out that Joey went on a date with that dude's gf and injured her by kicking her in the face while he did a solo jam sesh for her as foreplay (because we all enjoy that). Because of the new article, Lance is off the Reebok account. Are we to believe that we have to worry about body shot pics on Facebook AND whatever is written about us in the city paper? Backstabbing co-worker is having trouble using a copy machine so naturally she needs a man to come in and help her. L.B. fixes the machine by sweet talking and stroking it - which is the point that you'll audibly say "WTF is this movie?"
Back at Adams and Wabash (the only place in the city that would let them film), Bass sees Generic Brunette who is super pissed at him. He finds out that his friend met her and didn't tell him so he punches him which would be a real serious moment except Lance's "angry" face is just a blank stare. The bros decide to actually be good friends and try to find Generic Brunette again. They do so by putting up more flyers and yelling on the el about love.
People on train: Sorry I had my headphones in and was just about to ignore you because I thought you were homeless and asking for help but now I see that you are privileged and white yelling about nothing so I'm going to smile and pay attention now!
Jerry Stiller is in this movie too. He encourages Lance to not give up on this girl and equates it to him never giving up on the Cubbies. Hey, another Cubs fan...maybe Stiller is the One?
Everything seems to just quickly fall together. Backstabbing co-worker comes clean and puts Bass back on the Reebok account because he can work a copy machine. Lance takes one more grand gesture of stalking by buying billboards all over the city telling her to meet him at OUR stop which once again, that green line is really getting some action in this movie. Bass wears his fancy pleather women's jacket again so she knows it's him. The news is there. It's awkward because she doesn't show up and watching someone getting stood up would make anyone contemplate jumping onto the tracks to break the tension. But wait, a paper airplane comes flying down and we are reminded that paper airplanes were a pointless detail in this movie. The two kiss which is so weird and uncomfortable that you would think they were brother and sister but not in a Game of Thrones way, more like if these siblings were both blind and aliens who cannot feel passion.
There is also a Joey Fatone subplot about how he wants to be a rockstar and his demo made it to a super famous TRL rockstar who just comes into a bar and is like "I heard your demo. Love it. Come perform with me." Joey sings his original track to the bar and it is a pop mess but the crowd bobs along smiling loving every second and our ears bleed a little bit:
The movie of course ends with a funny scene meant to appeal to the intended audience of this movie - pre-teens who are obsessed with NSYNC. It's Justin Timblerlake and the other guy in the group that isn't JC pretending to be goofy hairstylists and Lance/Joey playing themselves as high-maintenance actors in the movie that we just saw. I can't explain why this exists but there is some jab at the writing of this movie so at least we are all on the same page that this was so terrible that JT would only give us a 2 minute cameo.
-There's nothing that gets the girl like stalking.
-Public transportation is better than Tinder.
-Everyone in America loves Chicago and loses their shit hearing minor Chicago details.
-A soulmate is someone who you have one very popular interest in common with.
-There is nothing sadder than washed up pop stars.
-Every girl needs a GBF
-Justin Timberlake was the best member of NSYNC
Childhood Movies Revisited: On The Line
Think back to the days when frosted tips were hot, Lance Bass was thought to be straight and people would watch anything if there were members of boy bands in it (even if they were only the background guys). Welcome to the year 2001 and welcome to the movie On The Line - that movie that didn't star Justin Timberlake and nobody saw except a few sexually repressed pre-teens who wrote about it in their diaries later (true story...).
If you have an hour and a half of your life to waste - don't watch this. But if you have time to waste AND hate yourself a little bit - check out this early 2000's throwback that was not a Disney Channel Original Movie but in fact a real movie with a director and budget and script....
Starring
Justin Timberlake's Understudy
NSYNC's Old Guy
A Brunette
Chicago
Plot Summary
We move to present day with Lance and Joey on the el train discussing this flashback memory that we just had to watched.
Old Joey: Lolz you are SO bad with girls, bro! Why IS that?
Lance: Ummmmm yeah about that.....you'll find out around the year 2006.
There is a little kid eating McDonald's fries listening to their pathetic conversation and tells them to watch and learn as he hits on a random older woman. We are all confused and also craving McDonald's fries.
Lance, sporting a very fashionable brown pleather woman's coat, enters his office where he is in advertisement - the male RomCom equivalent of working at a women's magazine. We soon learn that he is not very good at advertisement - he recommends a commercial for Reebok where literal chicks are wearing shoes (which I would like to see).
Luckily, we are back on the el (aka ON THE LINE) where Bass is singing out loud to Al Green from his walkman. Though IRL he would be a crazy person that people steer clear of, in this universe he attracts the attention of a generic hot brunette who we may have seen in other movies but we are all unsure.
Brunette: Hey you love Al Green? I LOVE Al Green. Also move your fucking bag. Did it pay for a seat?!
These two bad actors start to talk and we learn that they have SO MUCH in common - mainly a shared love for the Cubs. As viewers, our jaws are dropped to the freaking floor because TWO Cubs fans in Chicago is unheard of and we know that we are watching soulmates. The two get off at Adams and Wabash which I'm stoked because that's where I work and I had no idea I was by a famous landmark this whole time.
Before they part, we learn that Generic Brunette loves to make paper airplanes and that their soulmate level sky rockets when they both name all of the presidents in order.
Brunette: We must be the only two people who can do that!
Bass: Yeah, sure. DTF?
Their flirting is drawn out making it painfully awkward most likely because Lance is battling with his sexuality and Brunette is battling with trying to remember lines.
Luckily, we get to see Lance and his bros in what looks like a TGI Friday's. Joey Fatone is still in a coverband rocking disgusting highlights. There are two more characters who we instantly know their personalities based on their over the top costumes and actions - one is the smart and logical guy of the group made evident by his khakis and button down and the fact that he is literally reading the newspaper at the bar with his friends right there. The other is just a tool dressed like a character in Malibu's Most Wanted. Lance mentions the girl on the train (not the book, though if he talked about Girl on the Train, we may be way more interested). Everyone makes fun of him again for not being able to seal the deal with ladies.
We soon learn that Generic Brunette was just visiting her boyfriend in Chicago but is moving there in a week or so. She mentions that she found an apartment in Lakeview within walking distance from Wrigley and I soon question if I am Generic Brunette.
Brunette: I think I met my soulmate on the train. He knows what a president is and has the same Wilson's Leather coat as me!
Back in the office, Lance and his co-worker from the movie Booty Call are pitching a shitty idea to Reebok. We find out that she ends up stealing his idea and pitching it as her own which despite it essentially being the tagline for a tampon commercial, people LOVE. Lance is all like "Dammit, I can't say anything because everyone will think I'm sexist and/or racist so I'll just let this happen." Luckily, the actual song "On the Line" performed by members of NSYNC, Mandy Moore and BBMak (seriously EVERYONE watch this music video) starts to play and we see L.B. really decide to take charge and take back his life. Does he confront his co-worker? Does he make it known that that Reebok idea was his and he deserves the credit? No, no. Instead he uses his office supplies to make creepy "Lost Dog" style signs to put up around the city searching for the girl on the train.
The newspaper wants to do a story on him because there were no other more interesting stories for them to cover in the fall of 2001. A real twist in the plot is that the journalist assigned to the story graduated from high school with Lance and absolutely hates him because the then nerdy journalist wanted to ask some chick to prom and instead she asked Lance who accepted. We are all super excited that this subplot has joined this movie because we weren't 100% bored just yet.
Generic Brunette moves to Chicago. She has lunch with her douchebag BF who is in "business" and "gets excited" by his flip phone. He calls her interest in archaeology a hobby which is confusing.
Brunette: I want to get a job at the Field Museum.
Business Bro: Aw that is cute but maybe waitress at the Tilted Kilt is more up your alley, babe.
Lance's friends convince him to go through with the newspaper interview as a way to NOT seem so pathetic which I agree because nothing about putting up signs for a girl you met for 2 minutes is desperate or pathetic. Chi-town ladies are obsessed with him and for some reason an employee publicly stalking a woman gets L.B. ahead at work as well. As one could only hope, there is a terrible date montage to an NSYNC song.
The bros have all decided that they would like to get in on the lady action and ask if they can go on the dates for Lance. He says no because he is not a dick but then by some stupid mix-up that I don't even want to explain because it's that dumb, the guys think he said yes and they go on the dates with these women. Al Green makes a cameo in this movie. It really has no purpose other than to show that this movie can get Al Green AND two background members of NSYNC.
We now bring you to a word from our sponsor - The City of Chicago:
"Yeah so I was on the Red Line at Addison, got on it southbound towards the Loop. Got off at Monroe. Maybe later I'll get some deep dish before going back to my apartment in Lincoln Park. Aren't these details interesting to everyone and to this plot?" - Every conversation in this movie
Generic Brunette reads about Lance in the paper because this SAME article is still running. She calls in and gets a date but of course because his friends are dicks, she meets with Malibu's Most Wanted and is all like "WTF?! You aren't him! You are straight!"
High School enemy journalist sends his girlfriend on one of these dates to dig up dirt and he writes a new article exposing Bass for being a creep using the article to get his friends laid. We also find out that Joey went on a date with that dude's gf and injured her by kicking her in the face while he did a solo jam sesh for her as foreplay (because we all enjoy that). Because of the new article, Lance is off the Reebok account. Are we to believe that we have to worry about body shot pics on Facebook AND whatever is written about us in the city paper? Backstabbing co-worker is having trouble using a copy machine so naturally she needs a man to come in and help her. L.B. fixes the machine by sweet talking and stroking it - which is the point that you'll audibly say "WTF is this movie?"
Back at Adams and Wabash (the only place in the city that would let them film), Bass sees Generic Brunette who is super pissed at him. He finds out that his friend met her and didn't tell him so he punches him which would be a real serious moment except Lance's "angry" face is just a blank stare. The bros decide to actually be good friends and try to find Generic Brunette again. They do so by putting up more flyers and yelling on the el about love.
People on train: Sorry I had my headphones in and was just about to ignore you because I thought you were homeless and asking for help but now I see that you are privileged and white yelling about nothing so I'm going to smile and pay attention now!
Jerry Stiller is in this movie too. He encourages Lance to not give up on this girl and equates it to him never giving up on the Cubbies. Hey, another Cubs fan...maybe Stiller is the One?
Everything seems to just quickly fall together. Backstabbing co-worker comes clean and puts Bass back on the Reebok account because he can work a copy machine. Lance takes one more grand gesture of stalking by buying billboards all over the city telling her to meet him at OUR stop which once again, that green line is really getting some action in this movie. Bass wears his fancy pleather women's jacket again so she knows it's him. The news is there. It's awkward because she doesn't show up and watching someone getting stood up would make anyone contemplate jumping onto the tracks to break the tension. But wait, a paper airplane comes flying down and we are reminded that paper airplanes were a pointless detail in this movie. The two kiss which is so weird and uncomfortable that you would think they were brother and sister but not in a Game of Thrones way, more like if these siblings were both blind and aliens who cannot feel passion.
There is also a Joey Fatone subplot about how he wants to be a rockstar and his demo made it to a super famous TRL rockstar who just comes into a bar and is like "I heard your demo. Love it. Come perform with me." Joey sings his original track to the bar and it is a pop mess but the crowd bobs along smiling loving every second and our ears bleed a little bit:
The movie of course ends with a funny scene meant to appeal to the intended audience of this movie - pre-teens who are obsessed with NSYNC. It's Justin Timblerlake and the other guy in the group that isn't JC pretending to be goofy hairstylists and Lance/Joey playing themselves as high-maintenance actors in the movie that we just saw. I can't explain why this exists but there is some jab at the writing of this movie so at least we are all on the same page that this was so terrible that JT would only give us a 2 minute cameo.
Movie Themes
-There's nothing that gets the girl like stalking.-Public transportation is better than Tinder.
-Everyone in America loves Chicago and loses their shit hearing minor Chicago details.
-A soulmate is someone who you have one very popular interest in common with.
-There is nothing sadder than washed up pop stars.
-Every girl needs a GBF
-Justin Timberlake was the best member of NSYNC
Where To Watch
NetflixWould I Recommend?
I actually thought "I hate this" multiple times while watching. However, I do recommend if you are in the mood for details of Chicago, shots of just Lance Bass on a train, montages set to NSYNC, ideas for how to stalk someone or if you love the early 2000's. I also highly recommend viewing while drinking alcohol followed by listening to the "On the Line" How Did This Get Made podcast episode (https://soundcloud.com/hdtgm/on-the-line). Actually I DO recommend this.Also, let's never forget that time Lance Bass tweeted at me acknowledging his terrible time in NSYNC:
1) thanks for turning me into that crazy lady giggling to herself that people stay clear of whilst "on the line."
ReplyDelete2) let's pay homage to this prior unknown pop culture tomorrow at work.
According to this movie, everyone LOVES the weird giggling person on the train!
DeleteAlways love some good early 2000's pop culture :)
oh my, I've never seen this movie, but I'm pretty sure I need to watch it now, just for the 90s glory.
ReplyDeletehahaha The fashion and references are SO great!
DeleteI may or may not have to watch this when I'm feeling up for an Nsync concert it seems!
ReplyDeletehahah I secretly love it. NSYNC was my favorite!
Delete